Lonely Girl
by DemonDancing
Summary: Song fic. Videl's home life isn't all that its made up to be. Her parents are divorced, Videl has taken up cutting, and her younger brother is dead - to Family Portrait and Lonely Girl by Pink, and Angel Standing By, by Jewel.
1. Family Portrait

A/N:: Well, I thought about Videl when I heard this song, and I've been kind of curious what people would think if I tried writing an angsty song fic.  The series has never really gone in depth about Videl's family, past her father being Hercule, and I've read some really interesting takes on it.  However, none of them really went too in depth, so I decided it would be fun to just paint this scenario, of Videl in a troubled household.  If you guys like it, I'm thinking of expanding it to include a couple more songs that really fit both Videl and this story line.  Let me know what you think!

---oh! and just to let you know, Videl has a little brother named Yasha. (that's Japanese for demon, btw^^).   She also isn't aware of the fact that Gohan is Saiyaman or can fly, etc – not important in this chapter as much, but it comes into play big time in the next chapter.

Disclaimer:: Nope, don't own Dragon Ball/Z/Gt.  The song in italics is "Family Portrait" by Pink, and no – I don't own that either.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Videl forced a smile as she waved to Erasa, Sharpener, and Gohan before heading out towards her house. Another school day was over, and it was time to return home.  Home… ha.  It hadn't been home in years.  It was her house.  Her big, empty, stupid house.

Videl took a deep breath before unlocking the door and entering the chilly front hall.  She really didn't want to come home right now.  She'd give anything to be able to go home with Erasa tonight, just like she did so many other nights.  It was just so hard to come home to what she knew she would find.  

            She could hear her mother in the bedroom across the hall, sobbing her heart out.  She wanted to go in there so badly, to comfort her mother… But she couldn't.  She knew what daddy would do if he found out that his "precious princess" was taking her "bitch of a mother's" side of things.  With an icy expression, Videl closed the door of her room and turned the volume of her stereo up as loud as she could as she sat down to do her homework.  Anything to block out the heart breaking sounds of her mother's pain.

_Mama please stop cryin' _

_I can't stand the sound_

_Your pain is painful and it's_

_Tearing me down_

            Videl sat silently at the dinner table, listening to her parents arguing.  Again.  Why couldn't she ever have a normal conversation at the dinner table?  Why did everything she say have to become ammunition in the war between her parents?  Yasha was lucky tonight – he was spending dinner with his basketball team, safely away from the battlegrounds.

            She cringed as her mother made an acidic comment about her father's over-inflated ego.  He replied icily that she was just a worthless whore – what did she know?  Videl fought to keep the tears back.  She didn't need to hear this.  She didn't want to be caught in the middle… Any minute now they were going to ask her to choose a side… She couldn't stand the thought.

            Reaching for the bread, her shaky arm sent her milk glass spilling over the table.  She winced, then seized the opportunity to excuse herself.

            "Sorry mom, dad – I'll send one of the servants in to clean up, okay?  I have to change.  I should probably work on my homework too…"  Leaving the last bit hanging, Videl rushed towards the door.  Her exit was hurried and ungraceful, and she'd probably pay for it later, but she needed to get out.  

            As soon as she was in the hall with the door closed behind her, she took off in a sprint.  She could hear her parents screaming at each other already.  She cringed as she heard the sound of shattering glass.  She hoped her mother was okay…

_I hear glasses breaking_

_As I sit up in my bed_

_I told God you didn't mean _

_Those nasty things you said_

_You fight about money_

_About me & my brother_

_And this I come home to_

_This is my shelter_

            She wished that she had somewhere to run; anywhere, really.  Hell, she'd have found refuge at Sharpener's place she was so desperate!  She needed out of this… this… this eternal warfare.  She needed to get away from the screaming, the fighting… 

And what about Yasha?  He deserved better then this.  The kid was only 9, for crying out loud!  She gave him everything she could; love, support… When he had an open house at school, Videl was the one to come and meet his teachers.  When he had a problem, Videl's was the shoulder he cried on.  She was everything to him, and he was everything to her.  He was the only constant in her home life, the one thing that remained true to her.  She had given up so much to raise him with at least one loving family member to look towards…  But no one her age needed this kind of responsibility.  

And what about herself?  It sure as hell wasn't easy for _her_ to sit there, listening to the arguments, day in and day out…

_It ain't easy, growing up in World War 3_

_Never knowin' what love could be_

_You'll see, I don't want love to destroy me_

_Like it has done my family_

            Was she doomed to be like her parents?  To hate the ones she loved?  She needed someone to love so badly, someone that could hold her tight and tell her that things were going to work out for her…

            But she couldn't get close to anyone.  Not with what she saw every day when she came home from school.  She would die before she put anyone through this hell.

_Can we work it out_

_Can we be a family_

_I promise I'll be better_

_Mommy I'll do anything_

_Can we work it out_

_Can we be a family_

_I promise I'll be better_

_Daddy please don't leave_

            Videl sat in her desk at school, pale and emotionless.  She had overheard that night… Her dad was threatening to leave them.  Just… Leave them.  An icy tear fought its way through to her stony exterior, escaping to trickle down her cheek.  Damn it!  She didn't need this right now!  She didn't need all the "concern" she was going to get.  Only Erasa knew even a fraction of what was going on in her family right now, and she didn't want anyone else to know.

            Suddenly a warm arm encircled her shoulders and a feeling of comfort enveloped her.  She didn't hear as a sweet voice excused them from class and walked her into the hallway.  She stared straight ahead, moving mechanically through the halls and out onto the roof.  It wasn't until the breeze hit her cheeks that she realized where she was and who she was with.

            "Gohan?"

            Gohan smiled at her.  "Yeah.  You seemed really out of it - are you okay?  Wanna talk about anything?"

            Videl meant to say no.  She really did.  She wanted to turn her back on him and tell him it wasn't his business.  But she couldn't.  Her earlier thoughts drifted back to the front of her mind.  She needed someone to love so badly…  With a muffled sob, the teen flung herself at Gohan and began crying into his shirt.  All her pain, anger, hurt, and heart break poured out of her soul, and he stood there patting her back, making soft noises and rocking her.  Back and forth, back and forth, until soon her sobs had dulled into sniffles.  

            And sitting down on the roof of Orange Star High school, she told him.  She told him everything, and he didn't pity her.  He just listened with silent acceptance and understanding.  He told her that he'd always be there for her and that if she ever needed to talk, call him and he would be over fast.

            She smiled through her tears at that. It was comforting, even though she knew it was impossible… She knew very well that Gohan lived out in the Mountain District.  As she thought of this, a sort of longing filled her – how peaceful the mountains must be!  To be surrounded by the simple tranquility of nature…  

And with so many trees, there must be so many places to hide from the screams.

Later that night she would be grateful for his offer, whether she'd thought it plausible at the time or not.  She needed help, and she needed it fast.

_Daddy please stop yelling_

_I can't stand the sound_

_Make mama stop cryin'_

_Cause I need you around_

_My mama she loves you_

_No matter what she says its true_

_I know that she hurts you_

_But remember I love you too!_

            She flinched away as her daddy screamed at her mother.  She watched the tears streak down her mom's face, listened to the angry reply…  She watched her father snarl and slap her mom's face.  He was glaring, speaking in an enraged whisper.  With a last murderous glare he turned around and stormed into the kitchen – most likely for another beer.  

            It was always beer these days.  Her mom stood pale in the doorway for a moment, but then drifted towards her room.  

            "AND YOU BETTER NOT LOCK THE DOOR THIS TIME, YOU DIRTY LITTLE WHORE!  I'M IN CHARGE AROUND HERE, SO DON'T YOU GO TRYING TO LOCK ME OUT!!!  GOT IT, BITCH?"

            Videl stared in her father's direction slack jawed.  She'd never heard him that bad before… Slowly she backed away, then turned to sprint towards her room.  Throwing herself on her bed, she sobbed the dry, wracking sobs of someone who is afraid and in pain…

            "D…dad.dy…wh..why? i..we.we l…love y.you! w.why d.d.don't you _see_ that?"

            And she ran.  She couldn't stand it anymore, so she ran.  Long after she _should_ have collapsed, she found herself at the edge of the city.  Her breath was coming in ragged gasps, and she didn't know what to do anymore.  She needed to talk to someone… Anyone.  Briefly she though of those comforting arms, that soothing promise…

            And he was there.  His arms encircled her shoulders, comfort seeping through into the very depths of her shattered heart.  She didn't stop to question how he'd gotten there, or how he knew she needed him – all that mattered was that he was here.

            She knew deep down that running wouldn't solve anything, but she couldn't stand it anymore.  The noise was driving her insane!  The constant fighting…  She didn't want to go back.  She wanted to stay here, in Gohan's warm embrace, where she felt safe.  Here, where she felt needed and wanted.  Here where she felt _loved_.  

But she couldn't.  They were going to realize she was gone eventually, and when that happened…

_I ran away today, ran from the noise_

_Ran away (ran away)_

_Don't wanna go back to that place_

_But don't have no choice no way_

            Gohan sat at his desk, studying after dinner.  Goten was already in bed, and Chichi was working in the kitchen.  He was so completely immersed in his Calculas homework, that when the call of need came he almost missed it.  But he didn't.  Somehow, deep within him, he could feel Videl's need – and when he reached out with his ki to see where she was, he found her miles away from her house and her ki low.

            With a frown of deep concern, he abandoned his room in favor of the front door, stopping only long enough to tell his mother he'd only be gone for awhile.  When he found his friend, worry overwhelmed him.  She was a wreck, completely oblivious to everything, sobbing her heart out on her knees.  With a rush of concern, he ran up, gently scooping up the weeping girl in his arms.  For a time he simply knelt there, hugging her tightly. Soon, however, he knew that they needed to get to someplace warm or she would be suffering more harm than just a broken heart.  Gently – so gently! – he picked her up in his arms and flew to his house.  

            She was too far gone to notice the flight, and was asleep before he had settled her into his own bed, opting to sleep on the couch that night.

She woke up the next morning, wondering where she was, worried that she might have fallen asleep outside the city.  But no… she was in a bed.  Had it all been a terrible dream?  She vaguely remembered Gohan coming, but nothing else.  Completely blank.  She got up and walked hesitantly through the strange house, finding Gohan playing with his little brother in the living room, their mother making breakfast with a cheerful smile, bantering with her eldest son as she did so.

This had to be love.  This sweet, simple communion that Gohan's family shared.  She'd never experienced this all-encompassing warmth before – one that even extended to encompass an almost complete stranger, simply because she was in need… At Erasa's house there were always dozens of people and petty bickering.  Here it was just… Peaceful.  Calm.  Loving.  

            She wished that she could stay here, forever; but she knew she couldn't.  Her life wasn't easy, but it was hers, and Yasha needed her.

_It ain't easy. Growin up in WW3_

_Never knowin what love could be_

_But I've seen, I don't want love to destroy me_

_Like it has done my family_

            She wished her own family could just calm down, love each other again.  She could remember, very vaguely, a time when her parents really cared for each other.  They hadn't actually started fighting until the years following daddy's victory at the WMAT and his rise to fame.  All she wanted was for them to realize that deep down they still loved each other…

            Why couldn't they work it out, realize that their children needed them?  The other day Yasha had come to her in tears, asking if it was his fault mommy and daddy weren't happy.  She'd assured him that it wasn't.  _No, if anything it's _my_ fault.  If I was a better daughter…_

            If she were nicer, then maybe her parents wouldn't be filing for a divorce right now.  Maybe Yasha would get to grow up in a stable household, with parents who understood…

_Can we work it out_

_Can we be a family_

_I promise I'll be better_

_Mommy I'll do anything_

_Can we work it out_

_Can we be a family_

_I promise I'll be better_

_Daddy please don't leave_

            Videl bit her lip as she gazed forlornly at the picture on the wall.  It hadn't been taken very long ago, and everyone was smiling.  They all had made their best effort to look happy and loving in the picture.  But it didn't look natural to her.  She could see the extra make up her mom had to use to cover the bruise.  She saw the creasing of her dad's brow when he looked at her mom…

            She saw the tears in her baby brother's eyes.

            She saw her own eyes.  Dead.  Blank.

_In our family portrait_

_We look pretty happy_

_Let's play pretend, let's act like it _

_Comes naturally_

            Videl cringed away from her parents.  They weren't yelling this time.  Instead, they looked almost happy!  Her dad had an odd sparkle in his eye, and her mom was smiling for the first time in ages.

            They were telling Yasha and her about the divorce.

_I don't wanna have to split the holidays_

_I don't want two addresses_

_I don't want a stepbrother anyway_

_And I don't want my mom to have to change her last name!_

            But she didn't want them to be divorced!  She didn't want to have two addresses, two phone numbers that no one knew which to call… She didn't want to have any stepbrothers or sisters – she loved Yasha!  She didn't want or need someone more in her life.  She just needed her mom and dad.

_In our family portrait_

_We look pretty happy_

_We look pretty normal_

_Let's go back to that_

_In our family portrait_

_We look pretty happy_

_Let's play pretend, _

_let's act like it _

_Goes naturally_

            Please, she'd do anything!  She would stop scowling all the time, she would make the effort to smile… She'd stop spilling her drink at the dinner table, just for an excuse to be excused.  She'd put in the effort required to pull her grades out from the rut they'd fallen into: hell - she'd even let them baby her all they wanted!  

            She would sleep well, and stop having nightmares.  Nightmares of this moment.

_Mama I'll be nicer_

_I'll be so much better_

_I'll tell my brother_

_I won't spill the milk at dinner_

_I'll be so much better_

_I'll do everything right_

_I'll be your little girl forever_

_I'll go to sleep at night_

            All her hopes, all her dreams of them being a family like Gohan's…

_You took my shining star…_

_Daddy don't leave… daddy don't leave_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

**Author's Analysis::** Alright, I just went through and rewrote the parts of this that didn't make any sense to anyone but me – such as how she managed to get to Gohan's house without finding out that he can fly…  But since it's fixed, let's not worry about it anymore.

**Point #1** = Throughout this piece there is no constant term for "father" and "mother" – sometimes it's "mother" at the same time that it's "daddy", and "mommy" while it's "dad" – although this may seem like a bunch of typos or randomness from the author, it all has a distinct purpose.  Throughout the story Videl is very, very confused.  Her parents are asking her to choose sides, which she doesn't like.  Subconsciously she can't settle on what her parents are to her, and thus calls them a variety of different terms.  I considered using the Japanese terms, but only briefly because they don't have the same versatility as they do in English. (did that explanation make any sense at all? ^^)

**Point #2 **= The POV throughout this entire story is slightly different, and I'll tell you right now that it's the tense I usually use while writing angst – I did it throughout Tears of Blood, too.  I hope it isn't too hard to follow, but it gives a clear view of the person's thoughts, while still being omniscient enough to describe the action in a slightly detached format.  (Besides, I _hate_ writing with "I"s ^^)

**Point #3** = tagging along with the POV point, I must allude to the portion that's dealing with Gohan.  I didn't want to give the same POV as I did for Videl, because not only would it get confusing, it didn't fit his personality and role in the story.  The point is _not_ to delve into Gohan's confusion over the state of his family life – we'll save that for another story. ^^

**Point #4** = well… there _is_ no point number four, other than I'd be most appreiciative of your honest opinions – I want to know what you _think_, not if it was just superficiously enjoyable.  My goal in writing this particular piece is to try and write something that delves into deeper emotions, and really _show_ the confusion the character is feeling.  I want to portray it in as subtle ways as possible – I'm curious to see if you spotted any others than the ones I gave you (yes there are more).  I also want to know if you're grasping everything… ^___^ 

Domo arigato minna-san!  I'm glad you chose to read this, and please leave any and all tips that you can think of in your reviews – or if you'd like to go more in depth, or ask a question, feel free to email me at demoness22@hotmail.com.


	2. Lonely Girl

     Be afraid, be very afraid.  If you thought the first chapter was strange, this one will surpass it.  I hope you like it, cause I had a beautiful time writing it – it felt incredible to sit down and be able to write again!  But keep in mind, please, that I just got over a terrible bout of writer's block so this might not be up to par… However, I think it's better than last chapter, so that must be saying something. ^___^

     Which reminds me – don't expect the exact same format as last chapter.  This is more of a story, not simply a couple paragraphs between sections of the song.  Some verses of the song are over a page apart, while others are only a couple lines.  It's got a lot more plot to it, and a lot more development.  I hope that it far outstrips my last attempt… ^~

      Oh! And I use a few Japanese terms in here: "Ototou" is little brother, "Nee-chan" is big sister, the suffix "-san" is like saying "miss" or "mr" and "-chan" is an affectionate add-on.  (most of you probably knew all that, but I need to add it for those who don't ^^)

Disclaimer:: I do not own Dragon Ball Z, or the song "Lonely Girl" by Pink.  I do, however, own Satan Yasha. (He is the nine-year-old brother of Videl whose name means "demon", btw)

     Videl sobbed into her pillow, great wracking sobs that shook her entire body as she struggled to remain silent.  It had finally happened.  Her world had finally ended, or at least that's what it felt like.  She had hit rock bottom on her pain tolerance, and she knew that one more straw would tip her over the edge.  

     Mother was gone.  After her father made such a big deal about the divorce, her mother couldn't stay in Satan City anymore.  She'd had to move far away, where the press couldn't find her and the public wouldn't ridicule her.  

     And she'd taken _him _with her. 

_///flashback///_

_     "Videl, hunny, your mother and I are getting a divorce."_

_     "… but … I need you dad!  You can't leave us!"_

_     "…Actually Videl, your father and I have decided that I'll be the one to move out."_

_     "But mom!  You can't!"_

_     "She _can_ and she _will_."_

_     "It's okay nee-chan!  You and I will still be together, right!"_

     "Always, ototou-chan.  Always."

_     "Um, actually, about that…"_

_     "Your father can't keep custody of both of you.  I'm taking Yasha because he's young - he still needs his mother.  You're staying here, Videl - with your father."_

_///end flashback///_

     She didn't understand!  She needed her mother just as much as anyone else!  And Yasha… She and Yasha were incredibly close, they were bonded together so strongly that the very _thought_ of being forced apart hurt inside.  Her life had revolved around Yasha since he was a baby; they never fought like most siblings – outside of sparring, of course.  She just couldn't understand why her parents were splitting them apart!

      She knew it was just as hard on Yasha.  He was a nine-year-old boy for kami's sake!  He was at the age where he needed a father to play catch with him, a father to tell him the secrets of being a boy, a father to keep a firm handle on his mischievousness…  

      But she knew why they were doing it.  She had heard them talking at night, when they thought everyone else was asleep.  She knew it was because neither was willing to give up full custody, and that it was a compromise.  Her father wanted to keep _her_ – she was great for his public image.  Her crime fighting swelled his own reputation – there were people who didn't even know the "Great Hercule Satan" even _had_ a second child…

      Her father couldn't _afford _to let her go with her mother, and that hurt more than anything else ever could.

     She could remember when this had all started, when her life began to crumble around her.  She could remember the very first tears from the very first fight.  How she had forced herself to be strong for her brother, forced the pain to retreat to the recesses of her being.  

     She didn't want Yasha to see what she saw, every time she looked into a photo album. The knowledge of how they _could_ have turned out as a family…  She never really noticed that, though he never saw the outward tears, with a bond as strong as theirs he could always see the inner scars. 

I can remember  
The very first time I cried  
How I wiped my eyes  
And buried the pain inside   
All of my memories  
Good and bad that's passed   
Didn't even take the time to realize…

     Everything was a mess.  Everybody knew about the divorce, and all the women seemed to be excited – Hercule was free to take whatever whores he wanted to his bed, and he didn't even have to sneak them in anymore.  It was like a disease over the female population – who was the slut of the moment?  The one to seize 15 seconds of scandalous fame on the front page of the newspaper…

     She just wanted everything to end.  She wanted the world – and her life – to stop spinning around and around… She was getting dizzy.  She just wanted everything to stop so she could get off.  Off of her life, maybe off of this world.

     Yes, she had contemplated suicide.  She had even picked up a razor once and experimentally cut her arm.  Nothing too deep… just a little cut.  She had been satisfied by the pain.  It reminded her how it was all her fault.  She had cut again, smiling slightly as she did.

      And then Yasha had called.  He did that a lot, and so did she.  They talked once every morning and once every night, sometimes chatting in between, too.  Neither was holding up very well, both suffering even more now that they didn't even have each other.  Videl had Gohan now, but he was different.  He was a friend, and he would never be a baby brother.

      Yasha had no one.  He and their mother had moved up into the cold north, into a small village.  Very few people lived there, and there were only two other children in a twenty-mile radius.  One of them was a teenager, too old to have anything to do with a rich southerner.  The other was an infant – not much of a friend.  He was absolutely miserable.  He told Videl as much, and she urged him to call whenever he liked.  She had even taken to leaving her cell phone on during class, but because he memorized her time schedule, he only called during breaks.

     She was his lifeline, and he was hers.  They were a thin, stretching lifeline…

     She was cutting all the time now.  Her arms were littered by a masochistic network of pain.  It was a mural of her pain, and she was both proud of the feelings it displayed so clearly, and deeply ashamed of what she had resorted to.  

     She never wore her sporty little outfit anymore.  She always wore black.  In her mind it was to show that she was in mourning – mourning for her family that had died, mourning for her soul that was being ripped apart.  She wore black sweatpants and black long-sleeved shirts.  She had cut her hair, a traditional symbolic gesture of having your heart broken.

     And here she lay, curled up on her bed, arms hugging her knees to her chest as she bled into the dark fabric of the sweats.  She stared dazedly at the cracks in the walls, the smears of blood from where she had beaten her fists in anger.  She was dizzy from loss of blood – she'd gotten a bit carried away this time… It was addictive, it really was.  It put her in her place, proved it was her fault, that she was weak…

     She hung her head and let the sobs take over, as her heart broke all over again.  
  
Staring at the cracks in the walls  
'Cause I'm waiting for it all to come to an end  
Still I curl up right under the bed   
'Cause it's takin' over my head  
All over again  
  


     It had been a month.  One entire month of agony.  Gohan had tried to help.  Somehow he knew that something was wrong, seriously wrong.  It went beyond just the divorce now.  There was something wrong with her.  She didn't know what it was, or why she felt this way, but she felt as if there was a great black shadow eating away at her heart and soul.  She couldn't even tell who she was anymore.  She didn't know where she ended and it began.  She knew, somewhere in the back of her mind, that she needed to find it, and soon.  

     Otherwise she would die.

     She was tired of being her father's borrowed dream.  He forced her to live a life in the public.  She was a superstar in the eyes of the public, an angel incapable of doing anything wrong.  She saved lives!  She was a hero in their eyes – but not in her own.  She wanted to be a star – a real star.  One that sat serenely in the sky at night.  One that was a light in the dark, safe in oblivion.

Do you even know who you are?  
I'm guess I'm trying to find  
A borrowed dream or a superstar?  
I want to be a star  
Is life good to you, or is it bad?  
I can't tell anymore  
Do you even know what you have?  
  


     She couldn't even sleep at night anymore the pain was so bad.  She couldn't close her eyes without the shadow of her heart threatening to swallow her.  She called Yasha at all hours of the night – he was never asleep either.  She would watch the sun rise, wishing it could chase away the shadow over her heart like it chased away the shadows in her room…

     As she listened to the birds sing, she would wish that she could fly like that… Soar with a light heart…  Fly to her baby brother, scoop him up into her arms, hug him for all eternity.  She wished she knew who Saiyaman was… She'd give anything to be able to fly like he could…

  
Lying awake  
Watching the sunlight  
How the birds will sing   
As I count the rings around my eyes  
  


     Gohan watched in sorrow as Videl walked into the classroom, dark rings around her eyes that no amount of cover-up could even hope to hide.  Her pain was more obvious to him than to anyone else.  Everyone saw the glowering Videl that had always been there - it wasn't as if she'd ever smiled in the first place…  

     But her fighting spirit was gone.  He could see that it was smothered under a blanket of shadows, much as his own had once been… But he had shed that blanket of self-doubt and blame, and now he wanted nothing more than to be able to help her shed her own.

     It became a matter of personal satisfaction – he would help save Videl as his little brother had helped save him.  

     Ripping off a corner of his notes, he scrawled a quick note to the stoic girl, one he hoped might bring a smile.

     "Hey Videl-san!  I have something I want to show you.  Meet me on the roof after class, let me teach you to soar.  – Saiyaman" 

     School wouldn't actually be over for nearly five hours, but something told him that it was imperative to teach her now.  He didn't understand the feeling, but he knew it was there.  If he didn't help her now, something terrible would happen.

     She almost threw the note away without reading it.  What did she care?  She was going to kill herself today.  It wasn't something she was planning exactly, more of an insight, really.  She would cut today, just like she always did – but somehow she knew it would be different this time.  She knew that she had already begun cutting deeper, needing to experience the stinging pain through increasingly numb arms…  The knowledge that today she would cut too deep wasn't enough to stop her.  It was addictive, this release…  

     And it wasn't as if she wasn't already dead to the world anyway…

Constantly pushing   
The world I know aside  
I don't even feel the pain   
I don't even want to try  
  


     She stared at the note in shock, not daring to believe her eyes.  But there it was on paper.  "Let me teach you to soar.  – Saiyaman."  She turned a wide-eyed gaze to Gohan, who gave her a small smile and an ironic salute, the same as Saiyaman so often gave her.  A smile of pleasure – true pleasure! – spread across her face like a beam of sunlight.  She was going to fly!  

     She didn't really care that it was Gohan who was Saiyaman, or even bother to note that he trusted her enough to tell her the truth – all she cared about was that when she learned to fly, she could zip to the arms of Yasha, to be there when he needed her.

     She had finally found a way that she could be the same person she had been when she first joined the police force – a way to be the person she'd always dreamt she would be when she reached 18.  She would be free, happy.

  
I'm looking for a way to become  
The person that I dreamt up  
When I was 16  
  


     She sprinted up the steps to the roof, excited beyond belief.  She would be able to see Yasha soon!  She burst through the door, panting slightly, truly smiling after so long.  He turned around and gave her his own grin, the one that said he wouldn't care if she was the devil himself – he'd love her just the same.

     He had taken her into his arms, scooped her up as if she weighed nothing!  He'd flown her to a secluded area in the woods, and she laughed the entire way.

     Gohan had never felt so proud of himself as he did when he heard that delighted giggle – not even when he had killed Cell.  That happy laugh spoke volumes for him, and made him chuckle in shared happiness.  She would be all right now; he would make sure she stayed safe from the shadow.

     They set down in a grassy field and he'd sunk down to the ground in a meditative pose.  She had quickly followed his lead, her eyes sparkling in anticipation.  And in that instant he knew, no matter how many blows to the head he would receive from his mother for skipping class – it was worth it to see those cerulean eyes sparkle, and that crystal voice laugh.

     She sank down to the grassy field and sat cross-legged, facing him.  "Alright sensei, teach me!"  She saw him smile slightly at that as he told her about ki, showing her his own, guiding her to the center of her being.  She didn't know how long they sat there, knees touching, his hands cupped around hers – it seemed both an instant and an eternity in that quiet place inside her soul.

     And suddenly warmth flared in her hands.  He gently urged her eyes open and she stared in open mouth wonder at the blue bubble floating in her hands.  She looked wonderingly into his smiling eyes and saw pride – pride and joy in her accomplishment.

    "You did it Videl."

    She bit her lip, holding back tears of joy.  She had done it – he'd warned her it could take a long time, but it hadn't – not with him holding her hand the entire way.

     They stayed out in the field for hours, Gohan teaching Videl exercises to help bring forth her ki.  In those few hours, he saw a side of Videl he could only glimpse on rare, unguarded moments.  He saw the innocent happiness that most people their age had, the carefree laughter, the simple joy of seeing pride in a teacher's eyes.  

      Somehow he sensed that he had rekindled a flame of life in a dying girl.  It was a feeling unlike anything he'd ever known…  

     He thought he loved her.

     They had decided to stay out there, spending the night in the secluded field, training as the stars rose.  She had told him her dreams of living as a star, and he returned her trust with the tale of his own journeys into those stars.  She had listened in a child-like wonder, never doubting for an instant the truth of those stories.  She knew he would never lie to her.

     It wasn't very late before he left to hunt dinner, and she made her call to Yasha.  She had told him that she would have a surprise for him soon, and that she would be sending him a gift shortly.  He had sounded a bit strained though, even as she told him about her training with her new friend.  There was a new tension in his young voice, and she began to worry a bit.  Was something wrong with Yasha?  But he soon said that mother was calling him, and he had to go.  She bid him good night, and told him to watch for the gift she was flying up to him within a few days.  

     He promised to wait.

     She was doing aerial acrobatics within days.  Her pressing need to be able to fly more than made up for her slightly lacking the strength and endurance that her teacher possessed.  She loved the feeling of the wind whipping through her short locks, the air tugging at her clothing…  This feeling of freedom was a restorative – she hadn't cut since Gohan had told her to meet him on the roof.

     She was healing, and the shadow over her heart was retreating – but would it be enough?

Oh, nothing is ever enough  
OOh, baby it ain't enough  
For what it may seem   
  


     For the first time since going to the field, Videl and Gohan returned to school.  Neither had returned home, and both were dreading what was to come when they did…  

     It was in the middle of fourth period, Language Arts, that the call came.  It was Yasha.  The teacher had been furious at the cell phone ringing during class, but Videl had answered it anyways.

     ///flashback///

    "V…Videl?  Nee-chan?"

    "What's wrong Yasha?!"

    "I'm s. so sor.ry Vid.Vidy…

    "Yasha???"

     "It. hurts.. So much…"

     "You hold on baby!  I'm going to be there right now!  You just hold on Yasha!  You just hang on for me, okay!"

     "I. promised… I'd wait.  'm sorry."

    ///flashback///

    She'd left the classroom without a backward glance, worry permeating her entire being.  Something was wrong with Yasha, her baby, her ototou…  She had to get there fast; she had the feeling that if she didn't pour her all into getting there, everything would be lost.

     Gohan hadn't had the time to teach her how to sense ki, but she didn't even stop to think about how she would find him – she just flew.  Somehow she instinctively knew that she would find her way to her brother, and she relied on that.  If she thought about it, she might not make it.

     He was lying in the snow when she found him, a gun-shot in his stomach and a bloody cell-phone clutched in his hand.  She screamed as she saw him, throwing herself into the snow beside him, never even registering the cold.

     "YASHA!!!"

     He looked up at her sleepily, blinking a few times.  "H. hi Vidy. How d. did you. ge. get he.re?"

     "Don't talk baby, don't talk.  We've got to get help, I'll help you, don't worry baby! I'm going to help you, nee-chan is going to help you…"  She was crying, tears streaking down her cheeks, only to freeze before they had the chance to drip down her chin.  This couldn't be happening!  Not to her!  Not to her Yasha…

     "I… I'm so.sorry nee-chan.  It wa.s so su.dden I. coul.dn't. st.stop h.him.  I prom.missed I'd w.wait. for. Your pre.sent." A bit of blood trickled from the corner of his mouth.  One of his lungs must be ruptured, she thought vaguely, dimly realizing there was nothing she could do for him now.

     She cradled his head to her, careful not to aggravate the bleeding.  "No. no baby – you waited plenty long.  I'm here ototou, I'm here – I was going to surprise you little brother…"

     "I s-s-saw you fl.flying ne.e-chan.  I. I alw.ays wan.ted to fl.ly…"

     "I'LL TEACH YOU BABY!!! JUST HOLD ON!!!"  She was sobbing, she knew he was dying, that there was nothing she could do about it…  But she couldn't accept it – because she knew that she would die with him. 

     "Ta.take me? N.now?  I wa.want t.to fly jus. just once."

     She lifted him gently in her arms, knowing that it would just kill him faster.  But she had to – she knew he was going to die, and he wanted to fly…  She flew as high as she dared, settling the broken body of her younger brother on her lap as they surveyed the untamed wilderness that surrounded the town her mother and brother were banished to.

     "Y.you and m.me, si.sissy, ri.right?"

     "Always, ototou-chan.  Always."  She whispered it to him, trying to comfort him, not upset him right before he…  But she knew it was a lie as she choked on her tears.  She had said the exact same thing on the day they were first separated.  She knew that she would never see him again.  "Always."

     He gave her a small smile, reaching a bloody hand to wipe at the frozen tears that shone on her face.  "D.n't c.ry nee-ch.an," he whispered, "I'll o.nly be a.ble t.to be ha.happy in hea.eaven if I know y.ou're happy too…"  His voice was a tiny, broken whisper, and she was barely able to hear it.  

     "I love you baby, Always…"

     Suddenly a cry of absolute anguish ripped from her soul as she felt him go completely limp in her arms.  She shook him slightly, screaming at him to wake up, that she loved him, that she needed him…

     But she was alone in the icy heavens.  

  
Do you even know who you are?  
I'm still trying to find  
A borrowed dream or a superstar?  
Everybody wants to be.  
Is life good to you, or is it bad?  
I can't tell anymore  
Do you even know what you have?  
No  
  


    She was nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  No life, no death, no pain.  She was the void of all emotions as she landed on the frozen ground, still cradling the body of her baby brother.  He was gone.  Dead.  She couldn't even remember her own name, she didn't know who she was, nor did she particularly care at this point.  Yasha was gone…

     An emotion filled her as she gazed at her brother.  Anger.  Rage.  An absolute, unquenchable thirst for the death of those who had done this.  In the back of her mind she named herself the top candidate – but for now she would be the instrument for the deaths of the others.  She could take care of herself later.

     She followed the trail of footsteps in the snow, detachedly wondering how someone could be so stupid as to leave tracks to the scene of a murder…  She raced down the trail faster than most humans could see, the rage driving her forward.  Had she been a Saiya-jin she would probably have turned SSJ 2 on the spot.  But she wasn't.  She was human, and had to find another way to deal with the pain.

     She soon caught up with the one who had made the trail.  He appeared slightly drunk, and she coldly noted the fact that he was about her age.  She came at him from behind, tackling him to the snowy ground.  He spluttered, loosing his grip on the gun he had been holding.  She picked up the gun, turning him over.  She saw the fear in his eyes, relished it.  With a cold smirk she walked towards him as he scrambled backwards, trying vainly to escape, when there was no way he could possibly win.

     "You murdered my brother."

     "…Didn't!  I didn't!"

     "DON'T LIE TO ME!!!  HE DIED IN MY ARMS YOU BASTARD!!!"

     "It, wasn't my fault!  Yeah, it wasn't my fault lady!"

     "Oh, so he was the one to pull the trigger?"

     "Uh…"

     "I should kill you right here, right now.  Put a bullet through your stomach like you did to him."  
     "You don't understand!"

     "That's right.  I don't.  I don't understand how someone could be stupid enough to shoot the child of Hercule Satan and not be caught."

     And she'd shot him, just as she had promised, right where he had shot Yasha.  He stared at her in horror, gasping in breaths of frigid air, looking like a fish out of water.  She gave a small, sad smile as she spoke.  "My task is carried out.  You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…"

     She had called the police, told them that there was a murderer bleeding to death outside of the village, then left him there.  She didn't care.  She flew back to Yasha, cradling his rapidly cooling body to her chest as she sobbed.  She sat there for what seemed an eternity, before she finally laid him back against the cold ground.  With a whispered prayer to Kami, she lit his body in a blaze of ki.  

     She sat on her knees, watching the flames of her life consume her brother.  As the warmth of the flames melted the snow around her, the frozen tears on her cheeks melted, finally finding their true path down her face, mingling with her brother's blood.  

     And as she sat there, she was joined with her brother in pain and ecstasy – as her life force consumed his frozen body, and his life blood streaked down her frozen cheeks in shared tears of pain.

     Gohan had been seriously worried ever since he had heard Videl talking on the phone.  Something was wrong, and he needed to help her – but he had the small problem of not being able to bypass the teacher.  The teacher was sick and tired of his stupid bathroom excuse, he'd already missed nearly a week of school – without permission, mind you – and he'd just lost a different student arbitrarily. The teacher was in a terrible mood, and Gohan couldn't escape.

     He stared intently out of the window as he felt her ki rise.  Worriedly, he sensed the profound grief and the overwhelming anger.  Something was more than wrong.  Something was about to snap.

     For the third time that week he decided that he didn't care what his mother or teachers thought.  Videl needed him, and he wasn't going to sit around any longer.  Finally he stood up, glaring straight into the teacher's eyes.  Without a word, he walked out of the classroom, ignoring the angered protests that wafted through the open doorway to follow him down the hallway.

     And without a backwards glance, he took to the skies, headed straight for Videl's ki.  He had made an oath – he would save her from the shadow, no matter what the cost.

     As the fire burned on, Her soul had thawed.  No longer did she feel nothing – now she felt the pain in force.  Shakily she picked up the gun – she had sworn that she would kill those who had killed her brother, and she had acknowledged that one of those people had been her.  If she had only fought harder to keep him by her side…  

     She stuck the gun into her mouth, taking a deep breath.  It was time to rid the world of her shadow.

     He burst onto the scene in a panic.  He saw her stick the gun into her mouth, preparing to swallow a bullet.  She couldn't!  He had to stop her!  Moving faster than the speed of light, he was by her side, the gun rendered useless on the ground. 

     She had screamed at him, screamed like there was no tomorrow.  She screamed that it was her fault, that she needed to die.  The world didn't need someone as evil as her.  

      He screamed right back.  He yelled that she was being stupid, that it wasn't her fault – that she didn't pull the trigger.  He shook her roughly, choking on tears as he screamed at her that she was being stupid and weak.  He knew exactly how she felt, but how could he make her see that?  How could he make her understand?  

     And he knew.

     She was in a state of shock.  What was going on?  Was she dead?  Of course she wasn't!  Why would she be dead?  Oh yeah…

     She snapped out of her daze and looked around.  She wasn't in the frozen place anymore.  She was sitting in the warm field where she and … someone else had been training.  But why would she be training in a field?  Oh yeah…

     Everything was coming back to her, and tears dripped steadily down her cheeks, her shoulders shaking.  She knew.  It all made sense now…  She could remember Gohan coming to the frozen place, saving her from death, shaking her until she couldn't tell up from down – then gently picking her up and flying her here. 

     She didn't know how long she'd been here, but probably quite a while.  Gohan wasn't anywhere to be seen, but she knew he'd be somewhere close by…  She couldn't get over the pain, the agony of her brother's death.  The knowledge that she could have prevented it…  She wished, briefly, that she had succeeded in her attempted suicide, succeeded in seeing her brother once again – even if it was only a passing glance before dropping to hell for her sins.

     Gohan returned to camp when he felt Videl's ki come to.  He had already gathered all of the Dragonballs, knowing how much that would help to heal her.  But before he could do that, he needed to help her get over that nasty little guilt trip she had going…

     He knew that, in the end, only she herself could grant freedom from the guilt, but he knew that he could help her find the right path.  It would be what Yasha wanted.  

     It had been what his father wanted.

     He sat down beside her, and they stared at each other for a moment.  She had been sure that she would feel dreadfully awkward and embarrassed after being found with a gun in her mouth, but she wasn't.  He didn't make her feel inferior, and he didn't pity her…  Instead he radiated a simple understanding.

     What confused her, though, was that despite his understanding attitude, he still asked for an explanation.  Nothing explicit or anything – just the simple air of a person who wants to help, but needs to here the whole story.

  
Sorry girl  
Tell a tale for me  
'Cause I'm wondering  
How you really feel  
  


     And just like she had all those weeks ago, before the divorce, she found herself telling him everything while he rocked her gently in his arms.  She told him how lonely she was, how much she hurt inside, how she feared to love…  How she dreamed to love.

I'm a lonely girl   
I'll tell a tale for you  
'Cause I'm just trying to make  
All my dreams come true  
  


     Hours passed as he rocked her, and days passed as he told her his own story, and that she could heal.  And he made it truth.  Weeks passed alone in that little field, as he taught her that true healing came from within.  He told her how, when she was whole inside, he could bring her brother back.  She had nodded, accepting that it was now purely up to her.  She loved her brother so much… She would save him from death, and he would save her from the darkness of her soul.

     In those weeks she explored who she was.  What she was.  What her dreams held, and what her destiny would be.  She lost track of time, she didn't even know if there was time in the little field, alone with Gohan.

  
Do you even know who you are?  
Oh yeah, yeah   
A borrowed dream or a superstar?  
Oh, I wanted to be a star  
Is life good to you, or is it bad?  
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore   
Do you even know what you have?  
I guess not, oh, I guess not   
  


     She would heal.  She knew she would heal – for Yasha's sake, for her own sake, and for Gohan's sake.  She would free herself from the shadow and she would soar free among the clouds.  She had already freed herself from the guilt of cutting, the blame of her parents' divorce, and the death of her brother.  

     Well, she would never exactly be free of it, but she had accepted it for what it was – and accident, and nothing she could have stopped.  She knew that Yasha certainly didn't blame her, and Gohan never would.  

     And out there in that wind-swept field, she found herself for the very first time.  She was Satan Videl, older sister to Satan Yasha.  Protector of Satan City by choice - not simply forced to save people as her father's borrowed dream.  She had her own dreams, dreams of a love to share with Son Gohan.  She would be all that she could be and she would be a light in the darkness of the night.  She would be safe from oblivion.

  
-Fades-  
Do you even know who you are?   
A rising dream, or falling star?   
Is life good to you, or is it bad?

     I must say, after I wrote this, I read it over and realized it had very little to do with the song.  Then I read it over again and saw I was wrong – it has everything to do with the song, if in a slightly skewered way.  You see, everything ties to the song - if not all the events then certainly the emotions…

      In this chapter I endeavored to make more of a plot to my story, instead of simply writing a paragraph between each section of the song.  I think this makes a much better story, and I am personally pleased with how this turned out.

     I want you guys to share your honest opinion with me – do you think it was a bit corny?  I mean, especially the end… I'm kinda scared that it is, and I want to know so I can fix it if it is.  And what do you think of me killing off Yasha?  Ever since I wrote him into the story, I kinda felt the need for him to die – one way or another; I needed Videl to feel a certain type of pain.  I debated suicide for awhile, then pushed it off as being just a bit too hard on Videl – and I don't know if the dragon would be able to rescue someone from suicide…  

     I've never actually killed off one of my characters in a story, to tell you the truth.  It's something all authors both love and hate – the killing of characters, especially the original ones.  I want to know what you thought both of Yasha as a character, and his death scene – I also want to know if you think I should bring him back.  Next chapter probably wont be a songfic, but it might, so I don't have to worry about following a song as much.

    Tell me what you think, please – I love to hear from you!


	3. Interlude: I'm Your Angel Standing By

This will be a fairly short, sweet little Interlude in the story, a sign that things are beginning to lighten up a bit from the depths of the angst.  It seems that I've developed a trait for backtracking each chapter – I did it last time and I'll be doing it again now.  

This is going to be a first person narrative from Yasha's point of view – my very first POV story, actually.  Although this _is_ an interlude on the actual plotline, it'll explain certain things, such as his death, his feelings, and a bit more detail over Videl and Gohan's time in the field, as well as their budding relationship.  (Yes, this is getting a little more on the romance side, but don't worry – it'll still be plenty angsty. ^__^)

So with no further ado…

_                                      An Interlude:_

                                                   Angel Standing By

                                                                               -Jewel

     I stare down at you, as you cradle my lifeless body in your arms, screaming your anguish.  Why does this have to hurt so much?  I don't want to leave you; I want to stay by your side forever!  Your pain is so unbearable…  I love you so much Vidy!  I only want your happiness.  Can't you see that?  

     But all you see is my body, motionless in your arms.  All you see is my blood, staining your hands.  All you see is death.

     As you lay my body on the ground, you're so careful!  You act as if I'm not really dead, as if I can still feel pain if you bump me too hard.  I can only stand and watch as you take off after Kijin, intent on delivering justice.  Oh sister…  Don't you understand?  It's all my fault that I'm dead…  If I hadn't been so trusting…

     Oh, I'm not at all adverse to you destroying him.  What he did to me goes beyond simple murder…  But what I would tell you would only break your heart more.  So I watch with a smile as the bullet is fired, and I will look forward to seeing him join me in death.  But does it really have to be at the cost of so much pain for you?  You are an upholder of justice – not a killer!  To give up your values for me both honors and scares me.

     As you walk back to my body, I can see death still lingering in your eyes.  I can tell you aren't satisfied yet, and I start to worry.  Remember what I told you, nee-chan?  That I love you so much, that you are my world, and that I cannot be happy unless you are?  Don't you know that I am standing at your side, watching over you?  But you are so emotionless as you stand impassively in the snow…

     I watch with amazement as you summon this strange blue fire at your will, lighting my funeral pyre.  I shiver as I watch my body go up in the flames of your life force – let me tell you, it's a _very_ odd sensation to watch yourself burn!  The heat from the flames is melting your frozen tears, and the illusion is quite striking – you look as though your tears were not water, but blood.  You are weeping a cascade of blood and pain, drowning in a sea of hurt.

     No!  Stop!  What are you doing?!  PUT THAT DOWN!  Oh Kami, Vidy, please don't!  No, you can't do this…  Put the gun down!  It isn't worth it!  Don't, oh gods don't…  Why don't you listen to me?  _Please_…  I said I wanted you to be _happy_!  Not _dead_!  Don't blame yourself, sister.  Oh _please_ put the gun down!

     I have _never_ been so happy in my life as I was when the dark man came.  When he grabbed you, I'll admit that I was scared for you at first…  But when he screamed, it was fear I read in his voice – the same fear that has me screaming at you right now, though you can't hear me.  I watch in sorrow as you scream back at him, beating your fists against his chest, sobbing.  Don't you know how much it hurts me to have you blame yourself?  To have you believe that you are evil, unworthy of life?

     It is _my_ fault!  Kijin said so… But not yours.  Never yours.  Chin up, onee-chan, I have a feeling that this dark man can help you.  

     Do not worry, I will stand beside you, whether you can see me or not.  My love for you transcends death, corny though that must sound…  You fall asleep as the dark man flies you away and I follow.  Don't worry, Vidy, I'll be watching over you.

~All through the night I'll be standing over you                                                           All through the night I'll be watching over you~ 

     When you woke up, I could tell you were confused.  You've been sleeping for an entire day!  The dark man, Gohan, he watched you as you slept, too.  He said things to you that I'm sure you don't remember, but I do.  He has my trust, and I know that he will help you get better.  

      He left once, for a time, and I wasn't sure what I would do if you woke up and he wasn't anywhere close.  He was gone for nearly an hour, and when he came back he had these 7 weird orange things.  I don't know what they're for, but I hope that they're something to help you.  I need you to get better, onee-chan, so that I can go to heaven!

      I watch as you begin to remember the other day, and the things that happened.  I can tell what you're thinking about because of the tears coursing down your cheeks…  I want to hold you so badly, tell you that I love you, that it wasn't your fault.  I reach out to try and stop the tears, but you can't feel me.  You need someone to hang onto right now, someone to be your anchor, and I cannot do it for you.

     He's coming now, onee-chan, he will help you.  I can tell that you know this too, because your tears slow down – but they don't stop, and you don't try and hide them like you've always done in front of other people.  I'm so proud of you, Vidy – it takes you so much strength to let go of your pride.  

      He watches you silently, and I can tell he is thinking about the words he said last night, while you were sleeping.  But you don't remember, do you.  He told you that he was going to be there with you forever, that he would make everything be all right.  You are his world, his universe, and his star.  You always wanted to be a star, didn't you nee-chan…  He said that he loved you more than life itself, and that it would kill him if anything were to happen to you.  All through the night he sat beside you, holding your hand, talking to you.  I know that you heard him, because the bad dreams left your face, and you slept well for the first time in forever.

~And through bad dreams I'll be right there, baby                                  Holding your hand, telling you everything is all right~ 

     He rocks you as you cry out years of pain and loneliness.  Your face is buried in his shirt, so you don't see his look of sorrow and mirrored pain.  All you can feel is his arms holding you safe against the storm of angst surrounding your life.  You never told _me_ about any of this…  Why not?  I could've sat there with you, rocking you!  I could've held you safe just as well as he does!  I'm as strong as him, and I could've helped you through.

     But no, I know that I'm your little brother, and this man is something more.  I suppose you think it's funny that I'm jealous, right?  Well I think I have every right to be!  You are my world, Vidy; you are my anchor as this man is yours.  You couldn't cry to me because _I_ was the one that cried to _you_.  You always felt the need to be strong for me, to be _my_ anchor in the tough spots.  I think that you were afraid that if I saw you cry, I would think you were too weak to help me.  It isn't true.  It was never true.  I want you to know that I could see your pain every day, that all of our hugs weren't only for me.

     I love you.

~And when you cry I'll be right there~ 

     You are so full of doubt, older sister!  I swear I can't figure out how you tell up from down sometimes…  Everyone always thinks of you as brave and confident, the model female, yet you see yourself as something small and ugly.  Your body is something that must be hidden under large shirts and baggy pants, and you think that everyone is always judging you, always giving you failing marks.  

     Let me tell you, nee-chan, that I could hear them whisper as I skipped along ahead of you in the park.  They were always envying you.  'Why can't I be so beautiful', they would say.  'Why can't I be so smart and confident' they moan.  But you always heard something else.  'Look at those clothes!' they would say in your mind.  'She's so stupid and arrogant' they whisper to you.

     I always used to tell you that you were the beautifullest girl in the whole wide world.  When I got married, it would be to someone just like you!  You always smiled on the outside when I said this, but now I know that you wept on the inside.  'Why does he lie to me?' you'd ask yourself.  Don't you know that I would never lie to you, nee-chan?  I meant every word I said.  

     Now, it's Gohan who tell you that you're beautiful.  At first I can tell that you don't believe him, but when he smiles, you know it's true.  You're like a flower while he's the sun… You lean to get closer to him.  Actually, no, skip that – that's a terrible analogy!  Ack!  Stupid soliloquy that wont let me go back and change it…  You two are so much closer than the flower and the sun, because a flower can never reach the sun.  You will reach Gohan, I think, and then you'll get married!  You'll have lotsa kids, and you'll be the bestest mommy in the world – trust me, I'd know.  _Man_ I envy those kids…  They'll have two parents that will love them forever, and _their_ parents will be way too much in love to split up.

      I envy Gohan, too, for getting you.  You're one of a kind, big sister – you really are the mostest beautifullest person ever!  No other man will be as lucky as Gohan, and if you weren't my sister, and I wasn't dead, I'd probably fight him for your hand!

~Telling you you were never anything less than beautiful~ 

     I sit here and listen as he tells you stories about himself, and both of us are in awe.  You believe him right away, I can tell.  I'm skeptical at first, of course, but if you believe him, I will too.  I think we share the same thoughts here – if Gohan says it to you, Videl, it has to be true.  

     As he tells you about those orange balls, though, I go cold even as your smile grows.  I don't want to go back…  Back to the pain, the fear, the torture of every day…  

     Right now there's a wall around my thoughts, protecting me from distinct memories of the time before my death…  All I remember is flashes of emotion.  Pain.  Terrible pain as he moves inside of me...  Fear.  Overwhelming fear that what he says to me is true…  Terror.  Mind-numbing terror as it goes on for weeks and months…  

     I have found happiness in watching you, sister dearest, and I have found happiness in the peaceful freedom of this other realm.  If you bring me back…  The walls will break, and so will I.

     I'm sad when, at first, you cling to the chance of my return as if it's the only thing tying you to reality.  You want it so bad, your existence revolves around the day where I will be standing in front of you again, my arms around you.  Bad emotions seem so distant from me here, so the sense of fear I feel that you might wish me back is far away, but it is there.  I wish I could talk to you, wish I could tell you how very much I love you, but that I cannot go back.  I cannot.

     I watch you both as you stay in this little field for days, weeks, then a month.  I smile as I watch him take you in his arms and rock you as you cry.  I sit beside you as you both sleep, and I keep watch over you.  I think you feel that I'm here, as you smile in your sleep.  It's the special smile that you never gave to anyone but me.  You give Gohan a special smile, too, but his is different.  I like mine better.  

     Sleep tight, darling sister, and do not wish me back.  You will move on without me, and you will make a life with Son Gohan, and you will love each other forever and beyond.  I can tell.  I can tell in the same way that I know you and I will love each other forever and beyond.  

     I will hold you close to my heart as I journey into heaven now, and I will wait for you until it is your chosen time.  Hold me close to your heart, onee-chan, and remember me – but move on with your life.  Don't let my spirit hold you back, and remember what I told you as you held me in your arms – I can only be happy in heaven, if you are happy here.  

     I love you, sister dearest, but my time is up.  I've lingered here, watching you recover and heal, more than I probably should have.  I'm so happy for you, and for your man.  You have my blessing, and tell him that he is the luckiest guy the world has ever known.  

     Do not worry, onee-chan, that I cannot come back to stand beside you in the flesh.  I will _always_ stand beside you, because you are my beloved older sister.  You were my world, and you are what I long for even in death.

     I love you.

**_~So don't you worry_**

****

                     I'm your Angel standing by~ 

     _Always._

            =============================================================

Well, well, well…  That just wrote itself, to tell you the truth.  I had absolutely no intention of writing something like this interlude, but when I read the lyrics to this song, I knew it was meant to be.  Ah yes, why don't I explain the song…  

To tell you the absolute truth, I despise the way this song sounds.  Why?  It's so drawn out!  I mean, these are the entirety of the lyrics, and nothing is repeated.  Me, I like really fast songs with driving beats and neat lyrics.  My cousin gave me this cd, though, about 2 years ago, and when I was searching for a good song to use as the next chapter of the story, I read the song lyrics for every single song in every single cd that I own.  (Needless to say, it took a rather long time…)  When I read this one, though, I'd never even heard the song – but I knew that there couldn't be a more perfect set of lyrics.  So there we go…  I'm still debating which song to use next, and I'm still scouring my cds and the internet for the perfect match… (I'll know it when I read/hear it…)

Further explanations might be necessary for other parts of this Interlude as well.  For example, I'm sure you all caught that Kijin referred to the teenager that Videl killed in the last chapter.  I chose that name because in Japanese, Kijin roughly translates in 'a bad person'.  Well, Kijin in this story is _definitely_ a bad person.  I'm guessing that you all caught the references that Yasha was making, but let me explain to those who aren't quite sure.  When Yasha first moved into the little town, Kijin started taking him under his wing, so to speak, being the only other 'kid' there.  Eventually it evolved into sexual abuse and rape.  This went on for an extended period of time, but Yasha was too terrified to tell anyone about it – it's why he sounded so shaky when he promised Videl that he'd wait for her present.  (His mother didn't notice the difference because she was busy being miserable, too.)  Kijin murdered him because he could tell that Yasha was getting ready to tell someone, and that couldn't happen.  

Also, last note in a very long author note, I wanted to point out the POV thing.  It was really hard for me to make a balance between a removed spirit, who's watching over his sister and speaks with a removed quality to his words, and a nine-year-old boy.  Most of the time the spirit is prevalent, as to better fit with the entire mood of the story – but you saw the 9 year old too, I hope.  Especially in the jealousy of Gohan, and the use of some childish language – yes, when I used "mostest beautifullest" I'm quite aware that it isn't correct.  It's supposed to be a child, speaking to the most important person in his life.

All right, enough explaining myself! -__-`  I hope you enjoyed this installment, and I hope you wont have to wait very long for the next chapter to come out.

                                              ~Lexi

p.s. Ok, I know I said enough with the explanation, but I want to point out one last thing!  The word "always" is at the very end of the fic for a reason – can you guess why?  Let's play "spot the hidden meanings"!  How many more can _you_ find?  *grins* (Yes, there are quite a few that I didn't mention already ^__^)


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